I hate realizing things that well, I knew were always there but i tend to overlook.
"Friends." I wonder what the definition of that is anymore. Trust. loyalty, honesty, openness, effort, enjoyment, laughter..what am i missing? hmm. what are YOU missing.

All in all. I'm a fuck up. Trying to turn my life around. I don't think I've made any progress whatsoever lately but I WANT TO!

And. I've decided to wait for him. I've always had faith and there's no reason to give up now. No matter how frustrating your lack of commitment and lack of replies to my attempts at contacting you is... That drunken conversation the other night simply warmed my heart. Feelings like I've attained for you just don't go away. We like each other. It's a good start. Test my patience and I'm going to do my damn best to test yours ha ha.

You can't be FRIENDS with someone you're in love with. nope. just cant do it. nuh uh.


I've decided to not be scared of my GPA and relatives anymore. I'm applying for Marine Biology programs on the west coast. And even if I don't get in. At least I can say I tried.

I just blew out my subwoofer. WONDERFUL.

And newly acquired wii... I <3 you.

location: my bedroom. mood: blank music: The Spill Canvas- To live without it

"Walk on water or drown" -MayDay Parade ((current favorite song))
Well, this hurts me more than I can stand to say
In just one sitting, you left the room so I could pray
So I'll pace the halls to see
If I could find a hole in something
Or maybe places to escape

Oh, but everybody knows this is the part
Of breaking down in anybody's arms
I'm reaching down and hoping this one's ours
God, please let this stay

And then I fell into pieces and she fell into me
Saying, "Play me a song. It's been too long since I've heard you sing."

You got here just in time
To let me know I was worth saving
It's nothing more than for the heart
Too proud to breathe
But I'm too scared to say the things worth saying
Who knew this trip would be this hard?

As I'm looking to the sky to count the stars
I wonder if you see them where you are
I'm down on both my knees and pray tomorrow brings no pain

And then I fell into pieces and she fell into me
Saying, "Play me a song. It's been too long since I've heard you sing."

And yeah, we all fall to pieces
But at least you fell to me
But this is a wrong night
So tell me goodnight and let it go

I stayed here and you just pray
My head would clear and I'd stay safe
The pieces left the love had changed just saved everything

Oh, and everybody knows this is the part
Of breaking down in anybody's arms
I'm reaching down and hoping this one's ours
God, please let this stay

And then I fell into pieces and she fell into me
Saying, "Play me a song. It's been too long since I've heard you sing."

And then I fell into pieces and she fell into me
Saying, "Play me a song. It's been too long since I've heard you sing."

And yeah, we all fall to pieces
But at least you fell to me
But this is a wrong night
Tell me goodnight and let it go, oh




Last night was a huge mistake. Should have never gone out, or even started drinking in the first place! Im frustrated with myself and I need to settle the fuck down to be quite honest. I want to do really well this semester!! Im not off to a good start and I absolutely cannot wait to go to bed tonight! So not getting into details about lastnight and the trouble I can get myself into.... and moving along..... I'm sick of people bitching. Haha even though I just ranted about my raging alcoholism... (kidding!) but seriously. have a fucking beer and chill the hell out. Your life is never that bad. There are so many things to be thankful for and you cant spend your life dwelling on the few things that don't go your way. Blah. whatever. I miss emma. shes been MIA for the last well.. yesterday and today haha and i miss her damnit. Beth and Chris finally worked things out which is gooood. I want a boyfriend!! wah. I think it would be weird but I need someone to keep me settled because i will admit i've gotten a little out of hand lately and i want someone to get mad at me when im drunk and stupid and encourage me to focus on school and im sick of being so lonely. again.. with me bitching. i love that im a hypocrit. I mean, Quiznos is open til nine and tonight that was AWESOME because i got out of class early and was able to get a turkey sub and some soup. im f-ing good to go.... to bed. smiling. i miss my puppy, i mean i love hanging out with sonny but harley awww shes a little fat ham and i want to squeeze her immediately. i miss my family they make me feel all warm inside and i want to high five god for putting such people in my life. i want to go sprawl out in my bed and never leave it. so i think im going to do just that.

so in museum studies we had to write a label for an artifact and i found an old cow bell. and my fake tagline for my title was i have a fever and the only prescription is more cow bell. and nobody laughed. fuckers.

i can't wait til friday. like really CANNOT wait.

music: The Kills- Sour Cherry

Second day of classes. God morning classes are soo gross. Not a fan. I took a fat nap today because.. I wanted to. Still need to do laundry and go grocery shopping. I did finally get my books though. Under 400 dollars. AMAZING! next purchase is a wii and a new tv. :). i dont have anything interesting to say. stupid boy got ahold of me after not speaking to me for weeks. i love having my head fucked with. we dont have any classes together this semester. im not sure if thats good or bad it just is. ermmm..... i have a 9 am tomorrow. i should work on getting tired and getting organized but drinking sound awesome so we will see. peace. love. & twilight. lol.

location: the apartment. music: powerspace- right on, right now

Just cleaned my room & i just need to vacuum, put away dishes take out trash and go grocery shopping. I love the little family of beth and i lol. classes start today... really? i woke up way too early considering i have to work from 5 to 1 tonight and get up and dooo work tomorrow. i miss summer. I went to a show the other night with Michael and absolutely loved it. Since then I've been feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. I should probably get offline and do something productive. I want glasses. & I'm gonna do my 15 today on guitar.

"I love you. In every sense of the word, I do."

mood: bouncy music: MayDay Parade- Black Cat

let's start out with the fact that i'm extremely sick. and i have to work midnight til 8 in the morning. fuck. this is really going to suck. i ended things with louis again. this time it might be for good but its really not working right now, our schedules conflict way too much and i just dont have the time and energy to put into this relationship. it breaks my heart because he's my best friend. i cant fathom the thought of him no longer being in my life or that he's now free to be with someone else. my breakups always seem like the end of the world and then ill always turn out okay but, why would i push someone away that is so genuine and caring and that simply loves me for me. it's hard to find such a good guy and realize that it may just not be meant to be. we'll see what happens. i hate school, i hate it so much i am so behind which stresses me out, i hate working but i love the money. i really, really don't feel good. did i mention that? ughh. work is going to kick my ass tonight. im so tired. oh and thank god my mom switched the family to verizon. i now talk to my mom and sisters on a daly basis, i really love it so much.

mood: heartbroken

You know. I am experiencing a ton of emotions right now... and to say the least, I'm totally embarrased about lastnight. I just want to yell I'm Sorry at my roommate because, I truly am sorry and I'm truly embarrased. I'm also sick of this shit happening. Yeah, shit happens when you're drunk my night was great lastnight up until the taxi ride home. All I asked of him lastnight was to dial HOOP instead of TAXI. How hard is that? So the last thing I wanted to happen lastnight, happened, if you know me, you'll know what an awkward situation this would be. Anways, to end the night ALL I WANTED lastnight was to crawl under my covers and pass the hell out. BUT NO. This man in my life has to fucking egg me on wanting to have sex and I want nothing to do with it at the time, and he couldnt get it in his head to get the fuck off of me and leave me alone. I realized I made a huge deal about it lastnight, but I have a boyfriend who seriously disrespected my wishes and it blew up. Lastnight would not have taken a bad turn if he could fucking understand what, "i don't really feel good- i just want to go to sleep" means. and to be honest. i don't care if he reads this. I'm furious. I tried today to just forget it and I can't. I'm bitter. And I know I need to apologize to sarah because well its pretty obvious she had to hear it all lastnight and I feel absolutely awful about it. I haven't cried yet and I think I'm about to. I am so upset. ANY MAN needs to learn to keep his hands off a woman when she doesnt want them on her. I'm pretty sure I tried kicking his ass lastnight but he fucked with the wrong person. I wanted him to leave so bad lastnight I broke up with him and told him to get the fuck out. You know, he treats me good but lastnight totally fucked with my head and it's not good. I will not tolerate that. I do not want to spend the rest of my life with someone who would do something like that and egg me on until i completely flip out and make an ass out of myself. Ugh.

this working all the time and going to school all the time... its just not for me!

& then i remember, i have no choice! lame.

so anyways, i would love to know what it feels like to be stress free, i have to do good this semester, my car is broked, i keep fighting off being sick and i'm tired all the time, i can't decide what i'm gonna do this summer, i miss my sisters and my family, i wish my dad would find peace and happiness in life, i hate this long distance relationship i'm in- i miss my boyfriend. alot., and i miss my best friend, i miss trista like no other and no one can replace her, i'm sad i dropped out of my sorority, i wish my life was more fulfilling, i wish i had more motivation to do things, join the choir (and of course quit this smoking nonsense i have going on) and get more involved in things i enjoy- playing tennis and volunteering... i guess i feel like i don't have the time. life soo stresses me out, my stupid fucking major--- dear god how much longer am i going to have to be poor and wondering what the hell is going to go wrong in my life the day after today. it's retarded. i wonder if i'm ever going to get to where i want to be in life. as for right now- i'd really love a day off.

i'm hopeless.

whatever.

i'm in class right now... and i really have to pee but i'm going to wait another hour and a half. in this hour and a half i might develop a uti anddd not expand on my computer programming skills at all. i hate my hair, i want extensions and highlights. i really hate school and work. i'm so unmotivated, i'm getting sick and i want out of this dumb town. i finally found a new friend because let's face it. i needed to. i have a whole umm 3 and they never have time for me. i've also come to peace with the fact that i'm now one of those girls who their boyfriend is their life, it's okay. i love him and he treats me awesome. it would be a long list to tell everything i love about louis. my life is slowly becoming less of a mess.

i'm trying to become completely independent.

LOL. totally in response to two of these nonsense things ago. i decided to stay at cmu even if im here for another 2 years. I'm living in the sorority house next year.. yeah, ME living in a sorority house... whoda thunkit?? anyways thats all. why am i bio major i dont even like bio and chem. weird. i just like cutting up stinky animals.

my lactose intolerance is intolerable right now!! lol... ugh. soo besides the fact that i broke up with my b/f of 5 months and that i have a scientific paper due tomorrow that i ahve yet to start on. life is okay. im real sick so i hope that stops soon. i had AN AMAZING birthday weekend. i spent it with my favorite people ever!!! yess. im getting an industrial done & my nose pierced sometime in the near future. im not tempting myself to spend any more money on tattoos. even though i want this next one bad. okay gotta get back to studying. my gpa needs major help.